Holy
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I was sixteen. in a long term residential treatment center. I had just forced the required 60% of the most disgusting meal down my throat. and with complete horror I realized… “I have to piss” the next 60 minutes were absolute, complete torture and when finally, finally I was allowed in the bathroom I stared at my reflection in the porcelain tile sweet, sweet relief
I thought to myself… if heaven is half as good as this? I’ll be a good person starting now. spent all summer reading God’s holy word extravagant tales and I realized as lazarus I have risen.
started drinking tea lavender, earl grey, chai attempt to cleanse my body, my very veins doused myself in essential oil beg please, let me be pure washed my hands to free myself of my stained body, ghosts of his bruises, black and blue maraschino cherry kisses in musty motels the radiator emanating pure shit the memory of mapping out wrinkles that told stories I didn’t want to hear
started wearing white only white, convince others I am an angel. fulfilled prophecy not a virgin, modernized Mary fell to my knees in the worn down pews, of the LDS church on Vine Street listen with empty hope and lack of faith to the hymns spoke to the bishop, read “Miracle of Forgiveness” eternal haunting.
eyes on the people surround, seem to have found freedom why not me? so I prayed to myself, the perfect ideal in a half broken, creaky bunk bed roommate snoring as loud as a broken lawn mower hands clasped tight together, knuckles white as the Utah mountaintops outside my small bedroom window I begged, I begged, I begged myself to break the iron bars of my own impossible cage. I called my own inner pope for an exorcism free me, free me, of the demon of fear. until I realized my purpose cannot be found in great ideals of others,
I cannot live my life by word of people I do not know the journey of finding myself began and I live it every day hoping, knowing I am good and in my own way
I am holy.
https://keepgrowingkeepchanging.tumblr.com/post/161068381630/holy
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